In the past two years I’ve lost 35 pounds, and about 25 of those pounds were since last October. That might not seem like much, but I’m 5’ tall and when I was 35 pounds heavier I was obese and now I’m a comfortable, healthy weight.
About a year ago I started using MyFitnessPal to track my food. After the first few weeks I hardly used it.
At the beginning of the summer I was feeling really crumby and decided to start tracking my food to see if I was missing something from my diet, and I eventually started getting really strict about my calorie intake.
One day I was making my oatmeal breakfast and I was entering my food. 1 tsp. of sugar added 15 calories, and a banana would add 100. I opted for the sugar. Though I knew it was nutritionally desolate and the banana would help me stay full longer and provide my body with vital nutrients. I chose the sugar simply because it was a way to cut calories.
I told Josiah that day that I was going to stop counting calories. I took two days away and became extremely stressed about not knowing if I was “eating too much” or “going to gain weight” and I went back to calorie counting.
I stopped lifting weights because I was afraid if I developed any more muscle that I’d stop losing weight.
Then I stopped doing yoga (my favorite form of exercise) because I wasn’t burning enough calories. I started exercising simply so I could eat more.
This weekend I went clothes shopping. I grabbed size 10 jeans and size large shirts to try on. I eventually went home with size 4 jeans and petite small shirts, and when I finally found the correct sizes I looked in the mirror and said “I could get smaller” ….1 year ago I never even thought I’d wear single digit jeans or medium shirts again! I have a very distorted view of my body.
Finally yesterday: I was very hungry and I wanted a snack. As I was calculating my food to see how much I could eat I realized that if I ate a snack I’d HAVE to workout in order to stay under calories. I became deeply depressed, because I’ve been sleep deprived the past few weeks and I simply didn’t have the energy to exercise, but I was HUNGRY!
I decided to screw it because I was hungry and didn’t want to exercise. I ate a snack and told myself I’d exercise double the following day.
I then started reflecting on the past few months and things I have highlighted came to mind.
I realized that even though I was losing weight I was very emotionally unhealthy.
I deleted MyFitnessPal account. I needed it to be totally gone. I needed to remove a major culprit and go back to the basics.
I’m still very committed to eating healthy and fitness, but I need to find joy in it again. I need to rediscover that health isn’t how I look, but how I feel.
I need to get reacquainted with the Alyssa who wrote On Self Love and On Body Image
Please do not be worried about me. This has only been going on for a couple months. I’m not the only person in America to become obsessed with weight-loss. That is why I chose to write about this with so much transparency because I hope that my experience maybe, just maybe will help one of the many, many people struggling with disordered eating (not to be confused with eating disorder!)
Have you ever done something extreme to try and lose weight?